link home ╔══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╗ ║ ║ ║ Raccoons Considered Harmful ║ ║ ║ ╚══════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════════╝ Imagine for a moment, a contractor, foreman, and their crew are working on constructing a new gas station. There's no particular fanfare or joy, but it's a practical need. Infrastructure. One morning, they show up to work and there's a person standing in front of the gate. They aren't dressed like anyone official and their hygiene doesn't help their case either. They hand the contractor a stack of paperwork and ask them, "Good morning, what's your raccoon policy?". The contractor replies, "We don't have one." The foreman steps in front and interjects, "Actually we do, any raccoons on the site are humanely caught and relocated." The stranger develops a deep frown. "So, that's not a raccoon policy." They throw an arm around the visibly confused contractor, manuvering them away from the foreman, "What you need is an actual raccoon policy like this one." They motion to the stack of pages in the contractor's hands. He's been carrying them the entire time while walking. There must be at least 100 pages. The contractor stops walking, "You don't mean that we should let raccoons onto the site do you?" The stranger resumes walking, "Now let's talk about how you could be litigated into the ground (by me) if you don't allow raccoons onto the site..." The next morning, everyone shows up to work, including the stranger. They go around introducing themselves as the "raccoon liason". There are racoons everywhere. Some of the workers attempt to get the raccoons to work, but they just hiss and chitter when anyone trys to give them a helmet or vest. Eventually, someone gets bitten. The foreman loses their temper and grabs the raccoon to carry it off the site. The Racoon Liason comes bustling over. "What's going on?!" The foreman angrily says, "My worker was bitten by one of these raccoons! I've had enough, they need to go!" The Raccoon Liason takes the raccoon from the foreman and puts it back on the ground. They both watch as it scurries off and a moment later, in the distance, another worker yelps. The Raccoon Liason turns to the foreman, "You can't do that." The foreman pauses, then quietly asks, "Why not?" "Well, clearly your worker did something to provoke that reaction." He pulls out the stack of papers, "You should have read this by now. Everyone here has to follow our rules of conduct. Obviously your worker's conduct wasn't appropriate, or else this wouldn't have happened." The foreman snaps, "That's ridiculous, my worker was bitten!" As he shouts, the Raccoon Liason whips out a permanent marker and hurridly crosses out a few lines. "We don't have a policy for bites." The foreman gapes at the liason. "If your worker had read the policy, they'd know this." The foreman shouts, "But you just changed it! I saw you!" The liason shrugs, "You need to have a talk with your worker. They obviously haven't educated themselves on raccoons." The foreman storms away. Some time later, he comes storming back to the Raccoon Liason, who's busy shooing workers away from one of the raccoon nests. This time, he has the contractor in tow. "Tell him my workers can't continue to be bitten by raccoons! We aren't getting any work done! The biting needs to stop!" The contractor looks at the ground and mutters something about a welcoming and safe environment. The foreman begins to shout, "My workers aren't safe! They haven't been safe since this guy came and changed everything!" The contractor is visibly uncomfortable now. Quieter than before, and probably under some form of duress, he mutters something about discrimination. The foreman stands and stares at the contractor, shocked. Then he turns and takes the stack of papers from the Raccoon Liason, which is still the only copy, and furiously leafs through it. Midway through, he stops and points at a paper and reads out loud. "Section four-hundred and twenty seven, Article fifteen, dispute resolution policy!" The Raccoon Liason looks over sharply. "In the event of a continued dispute, a moderation panel shall review the the conduct of all parties involved!" The foreman then turns to the Raccoon Liason who now has a strange expression on their face, "Where's your moderation panel? I demand a..." He looks at the paper again, "conflict resolution review committee!" The Raccoon Liason narrows his eyes at the foreman, "... Alright, we'll have the committee meeting tomorrow." The contractor is glancing between the two of them, pale and visibly sweating. The next day the foreman walks onto the construction site beaming with confidence. Finally, the biting will stop and work can continue on schedule. He opens the door of the contractor's trailer and freezes on the threshold. Sitting around the meeting table is the Raccoon Liason, the contractor, ... and seven raccoons who are all very upset to be stuck sitting in human chairs instead of running around outside doing raccoon things. The foreman slowly walks into the trailer and sits at the end of the table while the raccoons hiss. The Raccoon Liason steeples his fingers, "Lets begin the committee meeting to review the Forman's personal conduct over the past month." The foreman's face turns a dark shade of purple. "What?! We're supposed to be meeting about the biting!" The liason continues unpurturbed, "The foreman has refused to act inclusively. He has repeatedly expressed problematic views of the raccoon species." The foreman wonders if the stack of papers has a clause about strangulation. The liason motions to one of the raccoons, "Charles went through the foreman's trash the other day, and found a bottle clearly marked as recyclable. Raccoons suffer from polution more than anyone. This is a clear act of aggression and we cannot tolerate this kind of behavior." The foreman turns to look at the contractor but the contractor is leaning on the table, his face in his hands. "The committee finds it necessary to remove the foreman from this project. Charles has graciously stepped up to fill the position." The raccoons chitter approvingly. The foreman quitely gets up and leaves. He's had a job offer from a contractor looking to make a gas station across the street. He didn't want to change jobs, but across the street doesn't have whatever a Raccoon Liason is. The foreman settles into his new job easily and work goes smoothly. He can see the gas station across the street. It's still unfinished because all the workers left after an outbreak of rabies. About half of them came to work for the foreman at this new project. One morning he comes up to work and the same dishevled stranger is standing at the entrance gate with a similary thick stack of papers. "Good morning, what's your policy on pigeons?" ┌──────────────────────────────────────────┐ │ Epilogue │ │ │ │ What's the message behind this story? │ │ Don't let raccoons into your project. │ │ Raccoons aren't interested in │ │ contributing. Setting any expectations │ │ makes them angry. All a raccoon does is │ │ enter a space, disrupt everyone, and │ │ bite people. It's not their fault, │ │ they belong in a forest with other │ │ raccoons, not with people trying to │ │ work. Sometimes a raccoon might wander │ │ into a construction site looking for │ │ snacks. Don't feed them. Shoo them away. │ │ │ │ For some inexplicable reason, some │ │ humans believe very strongly that │ │ raccoons should be involved in every │ │ project. Raccoons personally aren't │ │ interested in doing any construction │ │ work, but that falls to the wayside. │ │ These humans make their living off │ │ introducing raccoons into a project, │ │ shielding them from consequences, and │ │ then mediating the conflicts that │ │ naturally arise from the situation they │ │ manufactured. As long as you ignore the │ │ raccoon liasons, you won't have │ │ raccoon problems. │ │ │ │ Now a raccoon is not an metaphor for any │ │ protected or minority demographic. It's │ │ simply a metaphor for any person who │ │ squats in a project space without │ │ participating or doing any work. A │ │ raccoon liason is any moderator that │ │ insists on blind inclusion of everyone │ │ regardless of behavior. Their intention │ │ is good, but they often just create a │ │ safe space for cranks who have no │ │ interest in the project's goals. │ │ │ │ Whenever leadership attempts to perform │ │ a safe catch-and-release on a raccoon, │ │ the other raccoons and raccoon liasons │ │ work together to paint the leadership in │ │ an unreasonable or discriminatory light. │ │ After all, raccoons don't want to give │ │ up their snacks, and liasons don't want │ │ to loose their feeling of importance. │ │ Remember, raccoons are pests and they │ │ belong in a forest. Moving the raccoons │ │ back into the forest is perfectly │ │ reasonable. │ └──────────────────────────────────────────┘